What Now?

At the top of my lungs

2007-11-03T17:23:37Z

I woke up to an empty room.
carol, was gone as were the boys.

more than one guy?? not for me but amy got caught up last night.
her bad. 3 guys all friends. whatever it was going to happen.

Free spirits.
sometimes one of us is a little too free.
Its not me

im probley the most responsible and clear minded person that is in the group i chill with.
i never though that would be, and im sure no one else saw it coming lol.

my life is trying to put its self together,
but the people in my life are trying to tear it apart.
"Do you ever think your too good for your friends?" -Ashley McClimon
i never really have.

thank you mommy, i got your genes and have yet to have a hangover.

P.S.
Dont tell me no because ive been drinking..
Its going to happen.

All At Once

2007-01-18T02:49:52Z

In the weeks behind and the weeks very far ahead...Guard...

-3 practices a week (2 are after school) and then we have contests on sat.
-the percussion is bitching about not having a season and us having one, um hello we havnt had one for 2 years they can shut their mouth cuz none of them ARE PERCUSSIONISTS! they play sax and trupet.
-Pregame is GAY! no rifel is being put in it. and the part that is there, that isnt even close to what it is post to be..isnt going to be changed..its not cute.

The winter show...
is pretty cute.. john denver Annie's song.. the song will get old.. the show is writen around 3 people (guess who?) and people crack me up.. the only reason amy was put on rifle was because its "politicaly correct"? i feel bad for her.. ashley is on rifle LINE and shes a freshmen.. i would feel so bad if i was a junior and a freshmen got put on before me. But the attitudes have sparked up once again. mainly ashley and amy and allisse.. they dont take kindly when leslie tells them what they are doing wrong.. the jester drama is almost gone. chealsea has been fired, and mandy has been kicked out THANK GOD (2 down one to go) melissa is the only one left and she hasnt came to any practice or class in at least 2 weeks, she didnt come to the camp she has not idea what the show is post to look like so.. when she does come i cant wait cuz no one will listen to her...

Friday i got my WISDOM TEETH taken out... thought i was going to die. so the weekend was spent making flag bags for allisse carolyn megan and myself. pretty cute stuff.. ive begun to sew rhynstones on mine... ive got a lotta time on my hands.

i like my new classes...
econ is so funny.. everyone hates forkner but hes funny..
gammon loves me :) rodgers is amazing...daily makes me want to stap myself in the eue with dull eyeliner. and doc hates my life but after 2nd period im kosher and have a good rest of the day :)

Sweat&&Icy Hearts;;

2006-12-17T01:26:54Z

I hate the label "best"
It was made to make people feel worse about themselfs and make others feel better about competing for something, and winning

I woke up just about an hour ago...
my dad came in my room calling my name.
In my bed beside me was a book(about self mutilation) a pack of cigs (along with a lighter) and my phone.
reading smoking and talking,
make me happy..
the dream i was having did not.

I dont remember most of it
prolly for the better
and i hope i can forget it completely
by the next time i go to sleep.

I have been told a couple times
one including last night
that i am cold hearted..
I never really dwelled apon it until now.
I have friends, Only one of them i would trust with anything.
even the one friend i have that ive known longer than anyone...
i wouldnt consider him "best".

For some reason people have this thing,
when they have something good and they are content
they go out looking for something better
when they leave, what if they dont find it?
it may be friends drugs money or a cd for all it matters..
when they come back they/it might not be there when they get back.

I remember how close we were at one point every weekend together..
hanging out all the time..
I had a "best" friend at the time,
she didnt know it... but i was cheating on her.

One weekend my new friend was invited to hangout with someone else
I thought nothing of it and went on to my papas.
After that nothing would be the same.
She would start smoking, she drank a couple times..
and did things i would never expect of her.
She left me out to hang when i had no one else.

This happening in many forms and from many people not just this one person..
Has made my heart turn to ice,
or maybe freeze at moments... becuase when she has a fight..
with her new friends.. im right there for her...
Its hard for me to show pitty because i told her these things would happen
but i do.. then we go someone where and eat and maybe cry...

her mom might have cancer now.
i feel so badly for her.
the girl she calls "best" told everyone
she really didnt need anyone knowing her life story.
and she was very angry about it.

She told me once that she called me "best"
she told me in front of them.
Her mom told me about the things she said to her
we both cried because we knew we trusted each other with anything.
Her new "best" was angry
she told me she missed hanging out with me
the random things we used to do
or the not so random days of chineese and the mall.
That night was spent at my house dwelling on old times.
Me knowing they wouldnt be the same.

I miss her
I miss the friendship we had
I miss the weeks we spent together
I miss the dumb things we would say

she tells me the new girl isnt a good friend
she ditches her all the time
she leaves her at her house alone while she is at work
she has her bf come over and locks her bedroom door.

The "best" contols her now.
They both no it.
She hates it
she hates the drama that comes with her name.
she hates the rep she may get from hanging out with...
One of them.

She tried to get away once.
she told her they wernt friends
because she was tired of having a friend..
That acted like a controling boyfriend.
She looked at me and asked
"will you take me back?"
I smiled and said yes..
knowing it wouldnt change

that night she spent at the new "best's" house
they got over it quickly
i went home to papas
after a sweaty basketball game.

things have changed with them.
If she and i want to hangout
we lie and say she is at her moms house
or had to stay home.
Sometimes we get caught and her "best" yells at her

Sometimes i take her home from school or work
Sometimes give her a cig
Or a ride to a game.

There are no more sleepless nights with the window open
or deep conversations about the last stupid thing we did
Or Conversations to help her get through her mom being sick.
Her new best doesnt talk to her, not to make her feel better...
her new best goes "oh my mom might have cancer too?"
I dont think thats how the whole friend thing works..
you probley shouldnt make it about you when they are the one
laying in a ball crying.

The sunflower seeds, Road trips, car crashes, and bon fires
Have been laid to rest.

My friends before her, accepted her,
they didnt think i had bad taste,
They were there for her just as much as i was.
Last night her new "best" brough someone else along to their outting
Lets just say, it wasnt pretty.

Thinking back, i dont know how we became friends
I know she would come smoke with me..
i never knew why she did..
she didnt smoke at the time..
she thought it was gross
We didnt know each other very well then..
when summer came
we were attached at the hip and the brain.

Not anymore.

A.Fox

Is Everyone Convinced that im alright?

2005-10-09T18:17:33Z

Hold it now
You've got everyone convinced that your alright

i want to quit....i want to quit everything....i just want to go away and never come back...who would miss me??everythings a lie anymore why be honest with someone when all they do is lie to you? i just wanna die....i cant stand this...i cant stand my parents
i dont want diffrent friends i like my friends i love my friends ....i wont stop hanging out with them no matter what...and i dont want to be like my mom or dad! i hate who i am, i hate the way i act...i just wanna go away....but when everything is hazy will i be sad i stayed?

The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.

You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.

These cuts are leaving creases
Trace the scars, fit the pieces
Tell your story, you don't need to say a word.
Call off the cavalry, can't save a wretch like me.
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.

I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed
I need to burn
I need a sure thing

People die for this and die for that...but im not dying for anyone...im not dying for soemthing u can touch...im dying to be happy again....i cant go 18 hours without crying or breaking down or something....people are dying for many things, but me...im just dying

Im still goin'

2005-09-24T17:25:22Z

yeah im still here....physicaly anyways...

so im in a lot of trouble at home...my mom came home early from work tuesday to 8 guys and nikki...all in our living room...yeah they were playing ps2...so dont think anything (except what geeks i have for friends lol) so im grounded for like 2 months or something...its gay, my parents also found out i smoke, they told me it was bad and that was the end of it, they give me a hard time about it but they havnt told me to stop so yeah....

so the new girl in guard still has yet to do anything, yesterday at school she was laying on the floor and i was spinning and she was watching me and it was weird, idk, i def dont think she likes me but i cant say i care....she hasnt came to anything practice or a game, and she was trying to teach the other new girl how to do something she didnt know how to do and it made me giggle...so i kinda butted in or what not...good intentions i guess...

since im in a TON of trouble my mom took my drivers licence, phone, cell phone, and computer away...AHH yeah thats right i have no life...and im not aloud to go anywhere but band shit...so for the next 2 months im going to be the role modle guard member that comes to everything just so i can get out of the house....grand...

Gus is really dead, my daddy doesnt wanna fix him, he says its too much trouble than its worth....i understand, so im post to clean all my crap out this weekend...

New girl...

2005-09-14T21:33:08Z

...in guard shes not what i expected but shes cool i guess..i tryed to get her to spin a flag but she wouldnt idk why...i wanna see what she can do lol....she can kinda spin a rifel...but she didnt do a lot...so yeah shes the same grade as me, and kept asking questiong about who ran it and who was captin and shit...

no news on gus...:(

Gus
Rust. In. Peace.
1988-2005

time to drop a line

2005-09-13T02:48:13Z

so yeah i think its time to talk about whats been going on...

so since school has started ive started a couple bad habbits and quit a few...i havnt bit my nails in a while which is good but thats cuz the retainers i have...which i only have to have to 2 more months if all goes well...so yeah thats good

about every weekend ty and i hangout with random ppl...i love them all! most of them are from highland...and a couple have graduated but yeah they are uber cool and i love hanging with ty and them...

the games have been ok so far....but theres only been 2 im not looking forward...i dont like trying to do shit for everyone...its not that bad but people expect it, like it used to be the nice thing to do....now its like my job...but whatever im over it already...so yeah...theres like 7ish people in guard now...but idk why its not like we will have a winter...or anything and i fucking hate it...why didnt i leave when i had the chance? AHHHH i confuse myself....

schools pretty good i like most of it...history sucks cuz i love history but there are some DUMBASSES in there and i hate it...

isnt it crazy that im a junior? where has all the time went? i dont remember half of it...so yeah idk

gus is dead....im very sad...i cryed sat night i dont think my daddy is going to do much...so thats even sadder :(:(:(

GUS
Rust. In. Peace
1988-2005

stold from ciara

2005-08-25T03:16:32Z

The Random Question Meme!

An array of completely random questions about my friends!

What kind of person would you set up with princess_tashae?: the one she has
Who would make a better window-washer, twokings or sunshinesarah?: neither, they would both tell u to wash ur own windows
What would you most like to do with mjthomas7980?: dye hair! lol
What do you most envy about mego3304?: no idea
What would your life be like if you had never met i_am_boobed?: I'd cry
Where would you take amizzleforizzle on a vacation?: hecks yes!
What would happen if stefieree and waitingforeros went on a date together?: steph would laugh a lot?
Can myshoeshurtyou become invisible at will?: cant everyone?
How many licks would princess_k8e take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?: 8
Of 1234598765 and puzzlingpersona, who would call shotgun first?: they are the same person, so uhh nikki?
What is pimpinkade's fantasy?: to have a 3some with johnny depp and orlando bloom
What is wyndex07's favorite meal?: food?
What is ninja1313's favorite band?: his

This is by heptadecagram. You can find your own completely random questions here.

Do you feel enlightened now?

OBV

2005-08-13T16:27:06Z

OBV we could have done much more at band camp, state fair is proof! but thats alright cuz next year were going to kick band camps ass....i wanna make it...this is the worst we've ever done, and in my mind that was one of the best preformances...idk...

i loved the whole ashley/nikki solo drama that was dumb as hell! ashley: omg she took my solo! nikki: omg i got a solo ashley: boo hoo nikki: im sorry. but yeah uber dumb for her to cry about that shit she wasnt there i would have been pissed too but point being...i would have been at practice!

doesnt matter now its all over and im fucking glad, football games are so much easyer :) no moving just spinning and looking pretty, not sure about all this hey we have 4 guard members for football...ya feels, i wanna know how many ppl signed up for the class, and what we are going to do at bball games :( ahhh

so i woke up thinking about someone...-sigh-

Gj is leaving sometime today between 1-3 :( ima miss that boy,

nothing4ever @ 2005-08-07T02:10:00

2005-08-07T07:32:27Z

im alive

yeah i know everybodys like oh shit i thought she died...damn now cant forget about her

so yeah bandcamp was pretty gay the first 2 days we did stuff the 3rd night we did a lot and the 4th day i dont think that much happend...idk i think we could do better...but whatever not everyone wants to try, i try to try, if that makes sence, but sometimes it feels like there is no modivation to be better...like not everyone wants to be so if i try and try and no one else does i just feel dumb, i feel like im the only one who really wants to be there, and other times i feel like the only one who doesnt anyways, we could have done a lot more, im def not pleased with what we have done...i was at the time but looking at camp even just a day after, i realize we could have done sooo much more

nothing4ever @ 2005-07-25T00:18:00

2005-07-25T05:19:34Z

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	79%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	77%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	88%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	68%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	29%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	24%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	39%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	29%
Confidence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	52%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	15%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	41%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	44%
Anxiety	\|\|\|	1%
Volatility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	49%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	28%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	57%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	71%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	24%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	24%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	99%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	37%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Trait	.	low score	high score
Sociability	74%	socially reserved, detached	friendly, open
Aggressiveness	79%	mild mannered, uncompetitive	predatory, domineering
Assertiveness	82%	introverted, loner	controlling, aggressive
Activity Level	77%	relaxed, laid back	vigorous, high energy
Excitement-Seeking	88%	sedate, restrained	adventurous, wild
Enthusiasm	68%	somber, pessimistic	cheerful, optimistic
Trust	40%	suspicious of others	trusting of others
Submissiveness	23%	rebellious, lawless	dutiful, obedient, compliant
Altruism	22%	selfish, cold, austere	helpful, selfless, indulgent
Cooperation	29%	argumentitive, confrontational	conflict averse, meek
Modesty	24%	arrogant, self-satisfied	humble, unassuming, doormat
Sympathy	39%	callous, heartless	empathetic, warm
Confidence	60%	not confident in work	confident in work, egoistic
Neatness	52%	disorganized, messy	planner, clean, anal
Dutifulness	15%	dishonest, derelict	honest, rule abiding, proper
Achievement	41%	lazy, unmotivated	driven, goal oriented
Self-Discipline	58%	procrastinator	responsible, efficient
Cautiousness	43%	spontaneous, daring, reckless	careful, controlled, safe
Anxiety	1%	relaxed, fearless	fearful, worrier
Volatility	49%	calm, cool	touchy, tempermental
Depression	74%	content, balanced	emotional, self hating
Self-Consciousness	28%	confident, assured	low self esteem, shy
Impulsiveness	57%	high self control	low self control
Vulnerability	71%	resilient, unphased	confused, helpless
Imagination	24%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Artistic Interests	30%	artistic indifference	art, nature, beauty lover
Introspection	24%	not self reflective	self searching
Adventurousness	99%	conventional, safe	spontaneous, bold
Intellect	37%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Liberalism	18%	conservative, traditional	progressive, open

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

nothing4ever @ 2005-07-13T22:25:00

2005-07-14T03:26:06Z

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	awakening my heart
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	unique

Quiz created with MemeGen!

just another day of practice, and the crazyness that goes along with it!

nothing4ever @ 2005-07-12T20:34:00

2005-07-13T01:47:57Z

first day of learning drill

erg

one instructer tells u one thing and the you another thing, its very shitty, and like idk but i dont think anyone is uber sure of whats going on, none of them....idc tho its so dumb i hate guard so much anymore its so stupid ERG...im not looking forward to going tomorrow!! but yeah nikki decided to spend the night with me tonight so yeah no tellin what or where or who were going to do tonight! lol

nothing4ever @ 2005-07-09T22:42:00

2005-07-10T03:44:29Z

so u was told to update...and so here we go

update

yeah ive vented a small portion of my anger apon paper and i still have a lot to vent, but somehow i dont think i should in here....thats why i have a million journals! and the ones that no ones reads! so yeah

tomorrow im going boating! and no ones coming with me!

thingy from mac

2005-07-08T05:16:00Z

Nine Layers

LAYER ONE

• Name: Amber Fox
• Named after: some chick on a soap opera
• Birthdate: 12-08-88
• Birthplace: Anderson, Indiana
• Current Location: Anderson, Indiana
• Eye Color: Green?
• Hair Color: At the moment mostly black with a little brown
• Righty or Lefty: Righty
• Sun Sign: Sag

LAYER TWO

• Your heritage: German, Irish, indian
• The shoes you wore today: flip flops and dc's
• Your hair: kinda long and black
• Your eyes: greenish
• Your weakness: long hair and pierced lips ;-)
• Your fears: being the worst at anything, bugs
• Your perfect pizza: sasuage
• One thing you'd like to achieve: being really good at something

LAYER THREE

• Your first waking thoughts: why the hell am i awake so early?
• Do you wish on stars: used to
• The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Eyes, Hair, piecrings ;-)
• Your best physical feature: idk?
• Your bedtime: whenever i go to sleep
• How you vent anger: writing, and crying
• Your greatest fear: someone im close to dying before me
• Who would star as YOU in your own movie?: someone really hott! lol jk!
• Your greatest accomplishment: im 16! i dont have any great accomplishments!
• Your most missed memory: bus rides with the percussion!

LAYER FOUR

• Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
• Which Finger is your favorite: my pinky cuz i can snork crack with the nail?
• McDonald's or Burger King: bk
• Single or group dates: group
• Adidas or Nike: Adidas
• Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
• Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
• Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee
• Religion or Money: Money
• Fame or not: Fame

LAYER FIVE

• Smoke: No
• Cuss: hell no i dont fucking cuss!
• Sing: in the shower lol
• Take a shower everyday: always
• Have a crush(es): yes
• Who are they: your mother
• Do you think you've been in love: no
• Want to go to college: Yes
• Like high school: I love it!
• Want to get married: Yes
• Any bad habits: im only human, i have to have some faults
• Believe in yourself: sometimes
• Type with your fingers on the right keys: Never!
• Think you're attractive: Nope
• Think you're a health freak: HAh! look at me!
• Get along with your parents: sometimes
• Play an instrument: Yuppers

LAYER SIX: In the past month, did you...

• Drink alcohol: Yes
• Smoke: No
• Do a drug: yes
• Make Out: Yes
• Go on a date: if ya wanna call it that
• Eat an entire box of Oreos: no
• Eat sushi: No
• Been on stage: no that i member
• Been dumped: No
• Gone skating: no
• Made homemade cookies: No
• Been in love: no
• Gone skinny dipping: YES! ;-)
• Dyed your hair: today and going to again tomorrow
• Stolen anything: Yup

LAYER SEVEN: Have you ever...

• Played a game that required removal of clothing: all the time
• Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
• Been caught "doing something": nope
• Been called a tease: yeah
• Gotten beaten up: No
• Shoplifted: Yes
• If so, did you get caught: nope
• Changed who you were to fit in: i have but i dont member

LAYER EIGHT

• Age you hope to be married: 25?
• Numbers and Names of Children: 2 a boy and girl the boys name i want to be Asher Owen, idk bout the girl
• Describe your Dream Wedding: only ppl i love and somewhere warm
• How do you want to die: in my sleep, or with people i love
• Where you want to go to college: Air Force, Ball State
• What do you want to be when you grow up: something that makes me happy
• What country would you most like to visit: europe

LAYER NINE

• Number of girls I have kissed: er...
• Number of girlfriends you've had: Nothing ever serious
• Number of drugs taken illegally: 6 or more
• Number of people I could trust with my life: 2
• Number of CDs that I own: a lot
• Number of piercings: ears the belly button was done 2 times but not anymore
• Number of tattoos: 0
• Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: front page 2 times
• Number of scars on my body: 1 under my eye from being hit in the face with a golfclub, one on my knuckle from my cousin and me getting in a fight and i hit the side of his tooth
• Number of things in my past that I regret: the biggest, is a person..what the hell was i thinking?!?! why didnt my friends stop me?!

nothing4ever @ 2005-07-06T22:19:00

2005-07-07T03:23:23Z

so i came back from my daddys nuttin really going on

i had so much fun at my dads it seems like everyday there is something to do...and i took full advantage of that, and now its time to relax and such so i plan on spending this week with no guard by myself with nothing to do with guard...cuz i know when we go back we will work hardcore on like everything cuz we have a contest like 2 weeks after we start...and i will be very angry and annoyed then so now i shall be happy and relaxed...all by myself

nothing4ever @ 2005-07-03T19:59:00

2005-07-04T01:10:35Z

Bold the ones that apply

I hate the color pink
I spend too much money
I’ve been in a school play before
I can play an instrument
I’ve taken Italian in school
I can speak at least one other language pretty good
I took Spanish and can’t remember any of it
I play paintball
I have more than one video game system
I have a job working in fast food
The rain is a perfect description of my soul
I have a table in my room
I’d rather color with crayon than colored pencils
I write on my arms and hands
I have a garden
I’ve been in a fight before
The used first CD was better
I’m short, but that’s okay
The world should have just one language
Spider-man2 was awesome, better than the first
Spiders are creepy
I’m still waiting for certain cartoons to arrive on
DVD boxsets
Nickelodeon was better in the early 90’s
It’s sad to see what kids have to watch today.
I’ve dialed 911 before
I’ve saved someone’s life before
My first name is five letters long
My last name is seven letters long
I’m going to be in college for at least four years
I’ve never had a Boyfriend/Girlfriend before
I know how to drive a motorcycle or four-wheeler
I’ve gotten lost in the woods before
I hate math with a passion
I still love reading children’s books
I have cried during a video game
Hot Topic is awesome
I am against online dating, it’s not real
I have no idea what my major will be
I love the song, “Time of your life/good riddance”
I’m going to Green Day’s concert in Chicago
I know someone who has more than eight brothers or
sisters
The walls in my house are a color other than white
I’m overly obsessed with another country, namely Japan
I STILL have Pokemon cards lying around
Save our planet, don’t vote for Bush
My school year has been very funny and very random
I don’t know what the principal’s office looks like
because I’ve never been there
I’d die for all my friends
My hair is long
I have a broken appliance somewhere in my home
I still have my Barbies from when I was a kid
I’m still friends with one of my childhood friends
I can draw pretty well
I attend church nearly every Sunday
I know someone with at least six siblings
I don’t collect Beanie Babies anymore, and never even
bothered
I wish I had a time machine
I’d rather criminals have a lifelong sentence than the
death penalty
I wish I could play guitar
I’ve been struck by lightening before
I’ve been to Europe
I can name every president in order
I’ve never been stung by a bee before
I’ve laughed so hard this week my stomach hurt
A fire ant has bitten me
I have red/orange hair
I wear contacts
I’ve said a friends name before then added
Chan/kun/san on the end
I have dentures
I love children
I’ve broken a bone before
I’ve had homework over the summer before
I’ve read the hobbit and loved it more than LOTR
I know someone named Chad
I’m interested in stamp collecting
I love the idea of Onizuka and Urumi (GTO) getting
together!
I can’t draw non-anime people
I need to clean my room
I’ve been in a fire before
I’ve needed stitches before
I’ve been attacked by an animal before
I've watched Blue Clues before
I’m lazy
I’ve taken so many quizzes it’s all just a blur

welp yesterday was fun as hell! i went to the mall and jaked me 3 pairs of ear rings...they are uber cute then almost died when nikki called me and i attempted to turn with one hand...but then me and some ppl went to a bong shop in muncie and it was intresting...im def going back sometime this week! they have some nifty stuff in there....

so tomorrow im going to hang out with jake we have no idea what were going to go do...but we'll do something...i'll write later

nothing4ever @ 2005-06-30T23:39:00

2005-07-01T04:48:02Z

I am- sad, but i was worse a couple day ago
I want- to know what to do
I have- anticipation, confusion, hope
I wish- it was thunderstorming, i wasnt alone
I hate- not being able to handle my emotions, being bored
I miss- maverick :(
I saw- an old woman pick her wedgie today
I fear- spiders, heartache, not being happy
I hear- motion city soundtrack
I search- my mind for answers, my room for clothes
I wonder- if everything will work out alright, how things will end up
I regret- i try to regret nothing, but theres things i wish i didnt do
I love- being with peopel i love, the rain, hugs and kisses
I always- am smacking someones ass
I am not- a nice person
I dance- in the rain
I sing- when im alone and sad
I cried- really hard last night
I write- a novel in my diary every day
I win- nothing....yet?
I lose- everything
I confuse- emotions, people, times, places, things
I need- oreos, to stop talking on the phone so much, to buy cds and books
I should- get off the internet and go to sleep
I will- not change for anyone

in the last week, have you...?

cried- yes
helped someone- yes
gone to the movies- no
gone out for dinner- yes
said i love you- yes, but that doesnt mean anything
written a real letter- no
talked to an ex- yes
missed someone- yes
hugged someone- yes
kiss someone- yes
fought with your parents- yes
fought with a friend- yes
keep a diary- yes
like to cook- nothing
have a secret you have not shared with anyone- yes.. :-|
you believe in love- definately
you think youve been in love- no
get along with your parents- sometimes

Torn...

2005-06-30T03:18:09Z

i learned a new word today...its Fathom...i will use it in this entry!
--------------------------
Today,
It moved slow and fast at the same time, time does that when you want it to stop....it slows down, or seems to, so that you can see and remember everything afterward and wonder at its signicance
--------------------------
Time for me to rant and rave about random things

i really dont know if i can write about what i want to and come out alive, and whole...i dont know if i can look back, i dont know if i want to look back.
Besides if i tell it, who will listen? no one believes us, the kids, that is...they all think we have it so great and that this is the best times of our lives. when people tell me that i want to puke! if this is the best time of my life and im going to spend the rest of my life looking back on this with fondness (is that a word?) and all that crap then i should just end it now

I see the blame, the hurt, the anger, the hatred, one after the other racing though their eyes. im the object of their rage and anger, which i've never been before. but i dont care, because i know the truth something they wont fathom and would never admit

We are the middle children of history,man, nogreat purpose or place, we have no great war no great depression, our greatest war is a spiritual war, our greatest depression is our lives. we have all been raised on tv to believe that one day we'd all be millionairs and movie gods or rock stars but we wont and were slowly learning that fact and were very very pissed off

ive learned in the last year of school, that no matter how hard u want, how hard u wish, or how hard u pray, somethings u just can never have and it sucks...bible thumbers always say oh pray for it, well what if u do and it never happenends? well ur talking to someone who isnt there!
--------------------------
Ok now its time for a hardcore depressing poem i wrote...ready..3..2..

I think of all my problems
I think of all my pain
I think of all my sorrows
Until i go insane

I think of all the smiles i've worn
Which hide sorrow underneath
No one seems to notice
That i go thopught so much greif

My tears seem to keep flowing
Inside my tired eyes
Every time i want to tell you
My words come out as lies

These days im feeling distant
Far away and weak
My sadness pulls me further
From the happiness i seek

I've just begun to realize
That my hopes and dreams are gone
Im walking down a road
Humming a tuneless song

Im standing on a rooftop
Although im scared of heights
Im watching the cars beneath me move
And somehow this doesnt feel right

Now i think of what im doing
I know i should find a way
To beat through my depression
Will i be able to some day?
--------------------------
so now for the actual part where this become a journal ish thing...

so yeah im really torn and confused about a lot of things, and yeah u guessed it im pretty depressed about it! i dont know what to do about anything any more its all so confusing and something i dont wanna deal with....i wish someone could just tell me what to do...but i get diffrent opinions from diffrent people! and i hate it they confuse me so much i wish i could just make a desicion, and be happy with it, but somehow i dont see my self being happy with anything no matter what i do it will always be "what if" and i dont want to feel that way...i wanna know..."if" is over rated...but i dont want to wonder what *could* have happened my junior year....but somehow i think its going to be that way no matter what...DAMNIT! why in the hell do things have to be so fucking hard?!?! this is pointless...and i hate it..i guess in 20 years im not going to remember the things i did im going to remember everyone of the things i didnt do every opporunity i passed up and every second i wasted...and im not cool with that, so maybe i should just go and see what happens? i might not be as happy but i will be doing something that i cant ask "what if" to...so maybe i should go.....

Im so confused :'(

nothing4ever @ 2005-06-28T21:38:00

2005-06-29T03:08:26Z

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Amber
2. amME
3. Amy (when ppl dont know how to say amME)
THREE SCREENAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Whdiamonds88
2. IrideJohndeere8
3. SilencdDreamsX
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Being a smart ass
2. my eyes
3. hair, sometimes
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. being fat
2. having a fake tooth
3. being a cold hearted person
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. German
2. Irish
3. indian
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. friends dying
2. BUGS!
3. being hurt
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. radio
2. music
3. food
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. sports bra
2. shorts
3. undi-roos
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. Fall out boy
2. blink 182
3. the postal service
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO DO/TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. be a nicer person
2. not bitting my nails
3. win something
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (besides love):
1. a really good friend
2. someone i can talk to easly
3. huggling!
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. im scared of blood
2. im a hardcore dominatrix
3. i have a whip
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE (or same) SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Hair
2. Eyes
3. Smile
YOU JUST CAN'T:
1. wair for the bus rides to contests!
2. be graceful
3. get along with everyone
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Hanging out with my ppl
2. Listening to music
3. guard
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. paint my nails
2. find a good boy toy
3. eat
THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING:
1. bum in anderson
2. bum in indy
3. bum in muncie (jk!!)
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION/HONEYMOON:
1. england
2. australia
3. france
THREE KIDS NAMES:
1. Asher Owen
2. Rabb ____
3. Alexis ___
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. get married
2. have kids
3. do something that not everyone does!
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR ELSE:
1. Your..
2. Mother..
3. ...Naked!

The good times never last

2005-06-28T03:52:58Z

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption...

...And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going...

...I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

i had an escape...my escape has always been guard, when i was pissed, i would go to guard practice and not have to think about anything but guard, and i think thats why ive stuck with it for so long, because it took my mind off things...well now i need something else to do to be my escape from guard...thats so bad..we started to learn work its so fucking easy i cant stand it, we do the same thing a million times up down up turn...up down up turn...up down up turn..OMG i hate it!! so yeah then we have to change the only toss we have so far!?! wtf? when i was a freshmen i sure in the hell had to toss! why in the fuck cant they? i understand theres like 5 of us but that should make it easyer to teach! whatever

i dont think anyone needs me that bad for me not to leave,

im ready to leave i got an e mail, im aloud to leave....i can..they told me i could...i might not be in able to do the whole thing..and im not sure if i can keep up, i was told i could keep up, and that i would like it...would i? i wouldnt have the relationships that i have now i wouldnt know anyone...hmm..well i know someone cares to go to the trouble to talk to someone, and make that someone want me to be there, so i dont know to go or not? what oh what oh what should i do?

ally came to guard today i was so happy!!

well i dont know what else to say other than guard makes me want to kill myself! but damn i love the ppl in band and def the guys and girl in percussion cuz they are uber awsome!!

Finally a good time...

2005-06-27T04:05:40Z

it was such a fun weekend!!

Friday at nikkis...
i spent the night...her mom and dad went on a date...and katie was at megans...so we were home alone with ben...we talked to damien to see if he could come over..he was aloud but he didnt! he ditched us to go play d & d WTF? im glad a game gets picked over 2 HOTT girls lol so we kinda cleaned her room then katie came home and we kinda chilled upstairs and i ate oatmeal! lol it was yummy...katie made it for me! so yeah

Carwash
So we woke up at nikkis i took a shower and we got ready and we went to the car wash...we were second there ciara was first..so we sat around til everyone got there and then debbie and angie were like hey u guys (guys= sam krause ciara heather nikki and i) and we went to stand at stop signs around applewood and ask about donations..we made like $157 which was cool..so we went back to the car wash and me and nikki didnt do much we helped wash and dry a few cars but not many...so nikki and i were asked to go swimming with justin zach and glenn at glenns grandparents...so we called padres and they all said yes, so we walked to my house so nikki could get bathing suit bottoms and then walked back to the car wash and we kinda sat around and did nothing...but the whole time we were getting each other wet with the sponges lol...mainly nikki glenn zach justin and i....so yeah we left the car wash...we went to the school so ppl could get fitted for uniforms...so we went and everyone got fitted and what not..then we left it was crazy in zachs mommys car it was all five of us!! zachs mommy is really nice tho...so we went to glenns grandparents and swam for ever...his grandma baked cookies lol...but yeah it was fun...some how my bathing suit top kept getting untied?! i dunno how there were only 3 guys in the pool...so yeah zachs mommy took me and nikki home

Nikkis sat night
i ended up spending the night again which was cool cuz we sat a tent up and slept in it we got up this morning and went to church...then becky took me home

Daleville
so i came home and terris parents were at my house they make me want to kill myself! so i called my grandma and asked to go to the bar with her i did i ended up hanging with courtney and lindsey we had fun, lindseys dad let me drive us to taco bell, damn was i fat!! lol but i loved it and we stold the napkin despincer and a try and a sign lol

over all this was like the best weekend of the summer, dumb things make me uber happy, like the carwash and haning out with courtney and lindsey...i dunno good times with good ppl i guess!

damn im a junior, i kinda feel old, but i like it all at the same time getting old is good i guess i dunno it is now, when im 45 im sure i wont like getting older but i'll live i guess,

ALLYS BACK! only for a couple weeks, but i miss her!! and i love her!! yay!

yet somehow after all this happy and fun stuff....never can have complete happiness, im sorry michael hun i know how ya feel! but even with someone else i dont think one can be completely happy and content with life...just not possible so i wouldnt worry about it hun

there are things in the back of my mind i just cant get out and i dont know what to do about them! they confuse me so much! and im not sure what to do, i guess i'll find out, and whenever i do, so will everyone else

jelisa might be coming back for summer this makes me feel so much better!

Thank you

2005-06-23T02:29:17Z

I wish that the person that talked to me the other night about all the guard stuff would read this, because i am so thankful for her...i look up to her so much more than most, and shes helped me with so many things, i thank her so much shes been a huge impact on me, and not just last night...it means a lot to me having someone i look up to care what happens and looks out for me...<3

"You will always remember your guard days and smile, but...it will be the videos and things that make you remember your successes and defeats"

i dont want defeats...does anyone?

anyways...yesterday at guard practice we were bored and we decided to do rifel, we got done with most rifel stuff and sarah's is like hey lets learn to do a flat toss on rifel, yeah cool right im good at flat tosses on flag i can do this right?...uhh maybe not...so i try it, it comes down hits me in the mouth i fall down, i start crying nikki asks "where does it hurt" i went to touch my tooth and it was gone! most of it anyways so i start screaming and freaking out (hello im missing part of my front tooth!!) so nikki sarah and i walk inside as the band watched me freak out! but who wouldnt freak out? anyways i go inside get ice and stuff all hunky dory (well as hunky dory as i can be with half a front tooth) and i end up going home.....
today i go to the dentist at 2pm right ok well i go they look at it and ask if i want it fixed, i say yes...its not perminate yet, when my teeth are done growing i have to go back and get a cap put on it but if i got a cap now i would have to get a root canal later, so i went with the temp stuff...they gave me 2 shots in the gum, i wasnt numb, they gave me 2 more shots in the top of my mouth...i wasnt numb...so they finaly gave me gas!! -jumps and screams- YAY so i woke up as they were sanding my tooth lol and i was fuuuuucked up! lol i ended up going to the last part of guard practice...last meaning last 10 mins my face was so numb from all the shots tho! lol

"life sucks ass, an ass like tylas"
~Nikki

Nikki i love you!!

nothing4ever @ 2005-06-22T02:00:00

2005-06-22T07:00:24Z

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 60%

Envy: 20%

Greed: 20%

Gluttony: 0%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Sloth: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die, after conquering the world as an evil dictator.

How Sinful Are You?

nothing4ever @ 2005-06-22T01:36:00

2005-06-22T06:37:29Z

I am telling you...you will be sorry.
do you honestly think those of us that are passionate about guard wouldn't take that chance if we had it to take?
it is about winning to most of us, and having a good season, and if we think it can't happen somewhere, then it is time to move on...
no different for you

i just dont know,

whats better enjoying something or doing something u dont want to cuz ur friends will be pissed if u dont

please comment and anwser my question